Unbelievable few months. Today, I was truly blessed with an epiphany – a gift of blessing, freedom and release from self-imposed mental torture that I have allowed since my acquiescence to unspoken conditioning began. To recap:
I am from the United States originally and have been living at the Findhorn Foundation in Scotland for the past several months. Living and breathing and practicing – not work as it had been known – but love, “love in action.” Findhorn is indeed a very special space – the veils are thin and there is an energy here that supports and expands you to be your highest and best self.
That being said, in late November, at Thanksgiving time, I found myself not in the U.S. where Thanksgiving is a critical event at the beginning of – what can be – a desperate and draining holiday season. I mean, at breakfast on Thanksgiving morning at Findhorn in Scotland, I found myself at a table with people from France, The Netherlands, Brazil, Portugal, England and South Africa. Not a one really had any clue what Thanksgiving Day is like. This was so interesting for my first time being in a new country for an old holiday. A Norwegian kindly went out later that morning to get a turkey and fixings for the 2 Americans in the house. The meal was delicious and the holidays began.
As time went on and Solstice approached and passed, Christmas Eve was different, Christmas Day as well and then we had Boxing Day which is the real holiday where (I was told) the wealthy used to give their servants a box the day after Christmas along with the day off. Then New Year’s Eve which was spectacular with a clear starry night, a silent walk through our labyrinth and then up into our Sanctuary for a silent meditation and then “nibbles” until midnight (or after for some). New Year’s Day was no TV or football (U.S. style) and I found I had escaped a lot of the external madness that had always been rampant. Oh yes, and we ate very well. Some tasty new treats and a good time was had by all.
That was the external human side of things. Also during this time, I became aware of way cosmic and way elemental energies ramping up. Read somewhere that a tsunami of change on all levels (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, ether is, etc.) was coming. I could feel it. As the “water” receded from shore, all kinds of feelings were exposed.
It began with receiving an email from a former family member with the subject heading “forgive.” There was some past things between us. There was no apology in the text. There was a statement that I was missed and that a relationship was wanted of support and encouragement. Right. It felt like a one way street and I had been or allowed myself to be hurt on more than one occasion. My feelings were all over the place. The biggest for me was “I love you…but…(add here whatever, for me it was “but don’t hurt me). A dear friend would kindly explain to me that this was not love.
It got deeper. I observed myself withdraw from people who spoke negatively (meanly) to me or who spoke about negative things. I recognised my right not to participate but internally started to struggle to find a way to justify my behaviour.
And I chose not to respond to the initial email.
Then, there was a big project at the Foundation our whole team was helping and I got overwhelmed by the feelings that I felt and that I was unconsciously picking up as we “spring cleaned” throughout this beautiful old Victorian Hotel. I withdrew and old feelings of not fitting in, not being good enough, not working up to other’s standards…I could go on. Just a maelstrom of all kinds of not positive feelings about me.
Here I am at Findhorn…Where is the light? Where is my light? Where is my love?
Seemingly out of nowhere, I was reading things online and got a great book (Healing Resistance by Kazu Haga) about “fawning” – pleasing others to the point of subsuming or knowing self and internal violence – being unrelentingly mentally cruel to one’s self. Just reading gave some, but not much, relief. Also, cosmically, the energy influxes are real (January 12th and 13th, 2020 were two of the most powerful days I have experienced in my life) and powerful – game changers. February 2, 2020 was a perfect palindrome day. The world – this beautiful blue green planet – will never be what it was ever again. We are on the uptick. Going up. Things are – everything is – going to get more and more better from here without a doubt.
So, why wasn’t I feeling it. I was getting more stressed about how I was inside. My most important friend with whom we shared and provided invaluable support for months – seemingly quit speaking with me…or did I quit speaking…what happened…the connection…the quality time together was not happening. I struggled to figure out what was going on…what had I done or said or what? Could not figure it out and so I let it be outwardly. Spiritually, I knew to trust and surrender. Mentally, I was churning with this and all of the other times I felt disconnected from someone important to me. Where was the answer…this went on for days…until today.
There is a magic recipe that never fails me for relief. It is a recipe that is beyond simple and that, when the going gets tough, I often do not utilise (foolishly) until it is the last resort. Like I am determined to “go it alone” or figure it out on my own. Well, it is not possible. First, we are never alone. Even if you do not have a physical being present, the unseen beings of love and light that surround you are always providing you with comfort, support, tips whether you are aware or not. You know, all that I read online or the cool books I came across are part of that.
The magic recipe is to ask for Divine Assistance without expectation. I was desperate this morning and I surrendered my pride (and whatever else I am not sure) and I asked for Divine Assistance. I also surrendered assumption because after I made my request, nothing happened. At least not right away and so I forgot. So, letting go of the request (out of mind) and releasing the request to the universe is important too.
Anyway, this is what happened. You can know that you have done very well if you got all the way here to see why I have taken the time to write this blog.
This morning, I was making coffee and teas for the Dining Room. A coworker from the Kitchen brought me a pitcher of hot milk which is important to my process as it is so loved by coffee drinkers. As he set the pitcher down, I looked into his eyes and said sincerely from the heart “Thank You. You know that people love hot milk.” His eyes really lit up. He really received my gratitude and sincerity. I could feel it. And I added “It is the simple things that are the most important.”
Boom. Less than 5 minutes later, I had an epiphany that heals and improves all my relating for the rest of my life. I have found freedom and the following is it for me:
Each time a human being appears in front of you in the moment. This is a miracle and gift to you from the Universe. The Universe is attempting to communicate with you directly. All the atoms and molecules have coalesced into something that is so similar to you but is not you. This is worth your attention. Now I know.
The only responsibility that I have at any moment is to pay attention to and give love to what appears to me In the moment. To this human being, I will look them in the eyes, share kindness, honouring myself and them. This is all that I am responsible for. (Of course, I can also choose not to have the interaction but).
There is no other responsibility or truth except for the present moment now. What happened yesterday or two years ago when I said or did something I felt bad about or the other person did not do what I thought they should have done or said or whatever. There is no apology or explanation or assumption or expectation or responsibility that I have beyond the present moment.
All the mental thoughts I had wasted wondering what I could do to fix, what I need to say or give or what they should give me or say, etc. Is a waste of time. If it was bad yesterday, it can be better today and it is better with kindness and love in the present moment. That’s it. The past is gone and the future does not exist. For the first time, be here now sunk to a deeper moment more visceral level for me. I am so in love with life.
These feelings reminded me of two things that I have carried with me from the past.
On a public television program about relationships, the speaker once proposed that: “Each morning when you are in your kitchen getting a cup of coffee with your husband or wife or loved one. Consciously look at them and consciously choose in that moment to be with that person and know that you are sharing your life and love with the right person now and would have no one else.” Lovely thought.
Joanna Macy wrote in her autobiography that before she married her husband, they were visiting a friend who was also a minister when they were living in Harlem. He said to the young couple: “Always consider your loved one a mystery, someone you do not know but are fascinated by and very interested in.” This, to me, is so beautiful, for I often do not know myself, nor do I assume that I do. What a gift it is to not assume we know what another wants or needs or is like? What a gift to not expect certain reactions, etc.
I will leave it here for now.
From my heart to yours, please keep in mind and ponder what resonates and, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away and get on with loving yourself and this Beautiful life that we are all creating together.
Peace and love and joy and light to you, Elizabeth
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